As I was sharing how Jesus Christ came into my life, my sister laughed hysterically, "THAT should be the title to your memoir!" Of course, I had to say it again to hear what she meant, "He found me at a gay club looking for trouble." Ha. It definitely speaks volumes about me and where I was this past New Year's Eve. But this pales in comparison to what it says about the lengths He was willing to go to rescue one sheep that didn't even know it was lost.
The countdown on a crowded dance floor was the last thing I remember of 2010. From someone who drank in excess frequently and prided herself in never losing her faculties, this was my first and last blackout.
The next thing I remember was being back in the hotel room, knowing I was fighting for my life in a battle against Satan himself. I had looked him straight in the eye, lashed out at him physically, ran from him and had felt his evil power exerted over me. I locked myself in the bathroom, fully clothed, and laid my bruised and beaten body in a bathtub filling with water. In these flashes of memory, I cried out, "Satan, I rebuke you in the name of Jesus Christ!" I don't know where these words came from, but I kept screaming it over and over until the pounding at the door became more like the door being broken down.
It was only a few weeks prior to this night that I was sitting with my two dearest friends for our Christmas get together. One of my friends had invited Jesus Christ into her life 6 months before. She was unusually quiet so I asked her about it to engage her. She lit up! She spoke about a deliverance prayer that set her free from bondage. This sounded extreme, but I trusted this woman implicitly. I always seemed to find my way back to misery, so it would be worth a try, even if it didn't work. So, I innocently asked, "Can I get one?" Again, she was visibly excited, "Yes, of course! There's just two things: #1) You have to believe that Jesus Christ is your Savior, and #2) You have to want to be free."
Needless to say, the anticipation of having this prayer left me as quickly as it came. #1) Jesus Christ was NO WHERE on my radar. Maybe he was a great teacher, or maybe the Bible was a book of good lessons. Either way, I never believed He died for my sins. I judged Christians to be naive and knew I could never surrender to such a faith. I would boast to my party friends that I would be just fine if I ended up in a hand basket full of other sinners like me.
The second requirement perplexed me. I didn't know why but I did not want to be free. I had done pretty well for myself and by myself despite a difficult childhood story. In my strength, I willed myself through grad school and went onto have a successful career, a wonderful husband and a beautiful son.
At the end of dinner, I patted my changed friend's arm, "Good for you, hon." But, that was NOT for me.
So, on New Year's Eve night, I was not seeking Jesus Christ. And I'm starting to believe that Jesus Christ pursued me. Maybe it was all those friends who were secretly praying for my salvation, but no one, especially me, saw Him coming. What happened to me that night was unexpected, unexplainable and impossible. At the very beginning of 2011, Jesus Christ saved my life. In that instant, I knew what had happened. I became something I had always judged so unfairly and fiercely: a dedicated, extremely thankful Christ follower. I went from questioning Jesus Christ's very existence to acknowledging that He is ALIVE and WELL today! He continues to touch people's lives, working miracles and transforming the unsuspecting and weak in spirit. I don't know how often a story like mine happens, but the fact is: It is happening. He is happening and His promise is true.
So, it was two days after New Year's Eve that I went to my friend's home for that deliverance prayer she was talking about. Funny how those two requirements seemed so obvious now and I knew this was part of His plan.
In a simple prayer in Jesus Christ's name, I broke bonds with Satan that I had been agreeing to up until that point. As I surrendered, Jesus Christ took away my shame, heartache, anger and confusion. My sins were gone and my past was a complete blur. I left knowing that the demons from Saturday night were my own and when faced with what I thought was a life or death decision, I chose Jesus Christ's path and was instantly freed.
Jesus Christ did exactly what He said He would do: He took away all my sins and I was made into a new creation. I could feel it to my core. They say there is no trace of catepillar DNA in a butterfly and I believe it.
The magnificence of what He did within my spirit started to be reflected in the new choices I felt compelled to make. Although questions like "Why me?" and "Who am I now?" streamed in for the first few months, I also noticed guidance in the form of words that would keep popping up everywhere. The first being "HUMBLE yourself." When I looked at my pride, the question came, "If I'm not a speech pathologist, then who am I?" Well, the answer came as swiftly as the immense peace that filled my spirit, "I am the Lord Jesus Christ's humble servant." This floored me, but the change had already happened and there was no way I was turning away this gift of all gifts. I knew what I needed to do so I gave my notice at work to become a stay at home wife and mom.
Next, Erin Campbell's Women Ministries came into my life through her "Radically Undone Series." This sounded as extreme as what I had just experienced and I knew it was where I needed to be. "SUBMIT to your husband" was the next clear step. Jesus Christ kept showing me what to do next! So, I let my husband know that I was relinquishing my role as the career-oriented, judgmental, fixer, control freak, bossy, perfectionist with a double-life and was going to start lifting him up as the leader of our household instead of tearing him down.
Even though he was skeptical of why I was doing this and of his own ability, he dove in. He assumed his leadership role with a level of ease and determination that left no room to question whether God had wired him for this purpose. He is modeling for my son what it means to be a strong man, an amazing father and an incredible husband.
I can't express the weight that is lifting and the reassuring guidance that I am given as I submit to Jesus Christ by submitting to my husband. Now, Jesus Christ is not on my husband's radar and I absolutely understand. I mean it wasn't that long ago, right? And it certainly can bring out my insecurity and fear of being judged or left alone; however, those are just reminders that I am human. If I were perfect, I wouldn't need a Savior. At the end of the day, my husband and I will not focus on why this happened, rather on all the good that comes of it. My husband has since said that no matter what, he loves and trusts me and I feel incredibly lucky for that!
In my quest to be closer to Jesus Christ, I have also learned a ton from Erin's "Hidden Agendas Series." I've been quicker to recognize when I'm being judgmental, critical, fearful, or self defensive and the power of Jesus Christ's name can put me back into a spirit of love and peace. The power of prayer is also something new that has amazed me. Light fills my eyelids and I feel so incredibly good!
Although it may seem like one of the smaller changes, alcohol really had a hold of me from my 21st birthday on. I had even been to an AA meeting but was too full of pride to go back. My last alcoholic beverage was the last night of 2010. For me, this miracle ranks up there with Jesus turning water into wine. Obviously, being a Christ follower doesn't mean you don't get to drink! He just knew that when I was drinking, I was at my most vulnerable. He knows I'm a warrior of faith now and wants to keep me safe. How cool is that?
My official baptism is scheduled for August 28th at a baptismal grotto. My friend who led me to Christ (without even knowing it) will be able to preform my baptism. I get to publicly announce that Jesus Christ saved my life and set me free of my sins. And, He hasn't left me alone and wondering "What's next?" He makes it so clear and I plan to listen and act upon His guidance.
So, this blog entry and my upcoming baptism are my way of following another prompting, "A hotel bathroom is just not a public enough forum for His GOOD NEWS!"
Your friend and/or sister in Christ,
Snow
